There's no love for Shaq in Fantasy land
My interpretation of fantasy basketball includes — but is not limited to — a big-screen TV, pizza delivery on speed dial and the first day of the NCAA Tournament.
But to some of you, fantasy basketball is defined by the NBA, a subsequent dispersal draft and a disturbing interest in statistical depth. Go ahead and knock yourselves out.
It should be noted that this devotion to numbers has infiltrated mainstream hoops coverage, with specialty issues marketed next to the season-preview publications. Despite having a fleeting interest in these clerical undertakings, I happened to notice the fantasy-related player rankings provided by one national magazine.
The statistical kingpins featured an expected pecking order — Kobe was the leader of the guards, LeBron ruled the small forward roost and so on.
A few moments after reaching the list of centers, I noticed the magazine's pivot-man hierarchy plummeted all the way to 20 before the name Shaquille O'Neal was offered.
Holy cats, has the perception of Shaq's decline reached that level already?
It should be revealed that — motivated by O'Neal's historical disinterest in working hard enough to prolong his standard of excellence — I've become quite the vigorous Shaq-basher. In recent years, I have credited O'Neal with waiting until training camp to have a surgical procedure that could have occurred during the summer.
I also have pointed out Shaq's remuneration-related culpability in forcing his estrangement from the Los Angeles Lakers and never fail to notice the in-season lethargy provoked by O'Neal's refusal to maintain a reasonable playing weight.
But 20th?
For context, please note that the list of statistical expectation for the center position includes some real humdingers. And before you work yourself into an anonymous lather over fantasy protocols, please realize that I'm aware of potential and maturity and statistical projection.
That's why I won't go crazy in noting that Los Angeles Lakers kid Andrew Bynum comes in at No. 11 or Chris Kaman (with Elton Brand out of the stat-sheet way) is locked down at No. 15 or even Darko Milicic (8.0 points and 5.5 rebounds last season in Orlando) checking in at 16 before his first season in Memphis.
However, the pre-Shaq contestants include Dallas Maverick Erick Dampier, who is listed at No. 18.
Have mercy. Are we to believe that O'Neal has fallen far enough that a statistical surrender to Dampier (a solid 7 and 7 man) is imminent? Even with season seats at Burger King, I can't fathom a world in which the 35-year-old Shaq is less of a factor than Erick Dampier or Chris Kaman or Darko Milicic.
But let's settle down and take a look at some variables.
Last season, Shaq missed 32 regular-season games thanks to early-season work on his knee, which still features a little tremor-inciting tendinitis.
Through the 40 games that found him in work clothes, O'Neal averaged career lows in points (17.3), rebounds (7.4) and minutes-per-game (28.4).
He's been enjoying similar statistical downgrades the last three seasons as center for the Miami Heat.
So, what's the prognosis for this season?
Well, according to published sightings, Shaq reported for training camp in just wonderful condition. Right, we've heard and read this before. Wow, look how relatively svelte he is this year. Boy, he can look down and see his feet.
And so on.
Even Heat coach Pat Riley, who fancies himself a philosophical cross between Gunnar Peterson and Salvatore Ferragamo, was officially impressed with Shaq's fitness.
"He killed his conditioning test," Riley said.
In previous seasons, such a declaration may have inspired me to suggest that O'Neal followed this display by killing a bag of Chips Ahoy.
But there may be evidence that Shaq is attempting to actually earn the $60 million the Miami franchise owes him over the next three seasons.
Our evidentiary quest begins on network television, which this summer rolled out a reality show called "Shaq's Big Challenge." Without the benefit of walk-up ads, we might have assumed that this program would be little more than O'Neal being forced to eat a plate of bugs if he failed to make 60 percent of his free throws.
(Note to self: pitch that idea to FOX brass after finishing column.)
Anyway, "Shaq's Big Challenge" turned out to be a reality show co-starring O'Neal and a collection of husky children in need of fitness motivation. Based on casting alone, the premise seemed dicey. Putting Shaq in charge of the conditioning of overweight kids could have been as reckless as hiring Britney Spears to run a daycare center.
However, with a flatulence-related interlude as an obvious exception, O'Neal's reality stab turned out to be far less troublesome than his fantasy ranking. He even looked fit enough to still dominate the great Samuel Dalembert (No. 5).
It also should be noted that Shaq's second off-season challenge was considerably more personal. While you were rooting for Barry Bonds, it was reported that O'Neal and his wife were divorcing.
While the end of a marriage is nothing to trivialize, we can point out that newly single people often look to trim a few pounds before returning to the available-for-romance market. There should be no immunity from such vanity for O'Neal, who certainly looked fit as a fiddle just months after his divorce from Kobe.
So, with a return to single status and the burden to prove he can be enough of a force to assist Dwyane Wade's quest for ring No. 2, O'Neal reportedly is walking around at a reasonable 325 pounds.
His off-season conditioning regimen included yoga, swimming and a grueling foray into Mixed Martial Arts.
That certainly seems like a fine alternative to Shaq's previous tactics, which too often included a grueling foray into a menu for Mixed Grill.
But it's a long season, the knee may still be nettlesome and the league's younger centers will continue to close the gap.
And if fantasy owners show wisdom in taking Darko ahead of Shaquille O'Neal, I'll always have March to help suspend my disbelief.
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